“The rose coloured trooper stormed on to the dusty gravel. I grasped my scooter tight as he threatened to kill people. He strode past me then, all of a sudden a hooded figure shot the man in the back of the head and he fell to the floor.
“Everybody leave!” he ordered.
I excitedly got up and shoved my way through the crowd. The transparent blue windows shimmered in the sunlight as we escaped the old scrap heap of Toronto where I once lived in the Late Era. It is now 2119 and humanity is a complete failure.
Diary of Jimmy 2119.” Thomas
Hi Thomas,
I like how you opened it like a diary but you could work on expanding on things and put more dialogue in but is good apart from that.
Harrison
“As I walked through the door I saw a hat on the table. I said what is that hat doing on the table? The hat was a broad brim blue hat and had feathers sticking out of the top. It was hideous. Why on earth would my sister go out and buy that hat of all hats? That thing had to go in the bin and be gone for good. It was my job to do that. As I approached the hat I realised my sister put an alarm system on it, so there was no way I was getting to it.” Josh
Hi Josh,
This an amazing story, I like how you described the hat.
You could work on putting talking marks on your work ‘ ” ‘
It is amazing apart from that small error
Harison
“I came out of my bedroom for dinner to see a normal hat on the table I asked mum if she wanted me to put it in any particular spot but she wanted me to leave it where it was. I was wondering to myself why was that hat on the table? But could not think of any reason. At dinner, she said nothing about the hat. It sat there till we went to bed and then when I woke up it was gone, I had no idea where it went but no one seemed to care. Do they know something I don’t?” Lilliana
Hi Lilliana,
This is an amazing story, WOW, I love the way you Bolded the topic sentence.
You could work on maybe spacing your sentences and putting dialogue.
Including that picture made the story feel peaceful.
This story is amazing you should be proud of yourself
Harrison
“I walk slowly down the corridor, feeling annoyed at myself. I don’t know why I couldn’t finish my test. It was a math test. Usually, I am great at math but today my brain just wouldn’t work. Then I see a hat lying on the table. It’s just a black top hat, but why was that hat on the table? It’s probably just another one of dad’s top hats that he never wears but this one gives me a creepy feeling. It is probably nothing so I just walk off into my room. There it is again. The black hat.” Liam
Hi Liam,
I like your story because there is emotion but you could work on putting more information so I and many others can understand it better but it is amazing.
Harrison
